What do I want?

I want to include these things in my life:

regular yoga practice
regular meditation
read more
better meal choices, cutting down cheese intake
working on building my free lance grant writing agency
planning my garden/working in it once it's planted
building my friendships/making time for it
lots of music and dancing
time for creativity in any form
playing, lots of playing, especially outside

in order to do these things and have a beautiful life I know I deserve, I need to:
stop worrying about what other people have and what other people think
meditate and do yoga!
tell myself I'm beautiful and amazing!
gradually spend less time on facebook and doing things that don't serve me.
learn to relax

This is step one to creating the joy and happiness my life deserves!

Insanity

So, what do I want?

To be honest, I just don't know. I think that I want something, but then I get stuck in my old ways and habits. I think I'm just scared or anxious. I don't really know. I feel like I don't know anything these days. I feel like I'm so unsure of everything in my life, right down to how I want to decorate my house or the clothes I want to wear. I feel like I am having a serious identity crisis.

I really do believe that I know what I want and who I want to be, I just don't see how I can be those things in my current environment. Maybe it's just the winter playing tricks on me. Maybe it's a sunshine deficiency. Maybe I'm just fucking crazy.

I have this idea in my mind of who I should be and how my life should be by now, but nothing seems to be going that way. I don't have a job that I love yet. I don't even have a job that makes me any real amount of money. I can't really contribute to our life together. I can't pay for anything other than just helping with bills. That is so frustrating. I believed that I would have a job by now. I believed that I would be out of debt by now. I believed I would have a new car and be able to help renovate the house. I feel like I'm stuck and I'm so overwhelmed by it. I am so anxious all the time. I can't relax, I can't feel joy. It's horrible.

I really do know the steps that need to be taken in order to get my life on track and feel happiness, but I just don't do them. Is this insanity? Or am I just so comfortable being depressed?

I just really need to get back into blogging so that my mind isn't always so full of this negativity. I need to get it out of my body. So this is my negative post. It's out. I just sighed a sigh of relief. Maybe now I can do something positive and productive with my day =)