Letting go of doing everything for everyone (aka my hubby)

Do people consider you their "go-to" person when they need help? Do they know they can always count on you to be there..regardless of how short of notice they give you? How often do you say yes to helping people when you really don't want to? How often do you drop what you are doing in order to help someone else when you are busy working on your own goals? How are your current actions teaching people how to treat you? Do you ever feel drained after helping certain people? What do you think that feeling is trying to tell you? Do you ever feel like you are super busy, but accomplishing nothing of value? How does that make you feel? Which activities are you participating in that could be causing those feelings? Is there any way you could eliminate at least some of those feelings? How? Do you think you could be using other people's agendas to avoid working on a goal you want to accomplish but could possibly "fail" at? Do you ever feel like if you don't do it, no one will? How true is it that if you don't do it...no one will? Have you ever gotten REALLY clear on WHY you want to accomplish the goal you are focusing on? What would it look like if you did get clear?


I am skipping posts 3 and 4 because I feel like I've harped on those concepts for ever. This prompt is definitely something that I need to address asap. 

I don't necessarily have a lot of people ask me for help anymore, and I have eliminated a lot in my life that I used to do because I felt obligated to do so.. However, I am going to write mainly about my husband. I have heard a bit of advice once that you should never talk bad about your husband to anyone, but to be clear, I am not talking bad about him in this post! I simply need to get to the bottom of this issue we have been having for a couple of years now.

Ok, so the main jist of our issue is that he is the breadwinner in the family-he owns his own business, which is tree trimming. This is a very specialized trade and he makes a LOT of money...I make a measley $25k/year, so I can't always pay for things, especially now since I am starting my own photography company. Before this, I was a poor college student, which was way worse, and he had to pay for way more. However, to make up for the fact that I can't pay for as many things as him or buy certain expensive items, he expects me to do most of the house work.....which makes sense, except I have a full time job on top of starting a business, and often feel so overwhelmed by owning an old house on an acreage.

Pretty much, I feel like a slave a lot of the time. I do so much around the house and often feel so sick of doing shit. This is one of the main reasons why I don't do things for myself...because I often do not have time or energy to do them. On top of that, if you read my last post, you know my husband's hand is messed up (going on 6 months) and the other part of the time I am excited to do something, he either can't do it because his hand hurts or because he's so tired from work (very physical job).

Well, the obvious solution would be to just go do things by myself. Well, but then that takes away time from being with him. He works out of town Monday through Friday and comes home on the weekend. I currently work Tues-Sat, so that means we have only a few evenings and one full day together.

It's very frustrating. 

But anywho, I really need to get my act together and create a streamlined system to getting my housework done, have time for myself, and also to create quality moments with my husband.

I just opened an email from Sarah Jenks, a life coach I have really grown to love, and she said "Something that I really pride myself on is having a beautiful and fun life.  And to be honest, with my responsibilities of running my business and Jonathan’s crazy schedule as a surgery resident, it doesn’t just happen naturally."

As I mentioned in my previous post, life is about creating yourself. It's about finding what you love and creating a life you love. Hello, synchronicity! I've been thinking about this for about a week now, and I think the Universe is telling me something! I have wasted my life wishing it was like someone else's. It's time to love myself and the life I have. I have wasted my life thinking that if something was meant to be, it will just happen...this is not always true, you have to make your life what you want! People can be happy, they just have to find the right path and laugh and love along the way.

Letting go of the struggle.

How long have you struggled to accomplish the goal you've chosen to focus on? What have your plans looked like in the past? Have you been excited or totally drained while you were executing your plans? What would it look like if you took steps that made you feel like you were building momentum instead of hardly chipping away at your goal? How could you change the way you LOOK at your goal so it felt more manageable? Could you focus on what you are going to eat and what you are going to do for exercise today instead of for the next month? Could you focus on how you are going to lose your next five pounds instead of losing 100? Could you focus on one drawer in your office as opposed to the whole entire office? Could you focus on one page of your book as opposed to a chapter? What are some ways you could let go of those feelings of struggle today?

 

I have been struggling with *living my life for me* for all of my memory. I talked about this a lot in my last blog. To be honest, I've been really terrible about working towards my goal during this challenge. :( I am terrified of this task of finding myself...I feel like I've been trying to find myself for my whole life. I know as cliche as it sounds, I really think life is about creating yourself. I wasn't raised Pagan, but I am. I wasn't raised a vegetarian, but I chose that life path. I was raised in an urban setting, but chose to move to the middle of nowhere.  I was raised in a messy house, but choose to *attempt* to keep a clean house. I was raised by pack rats but choose to continually get rid of unnecessary items. I wasn't raised a traveler, I became a traveler.  I forget to give myself credit for all the things I've already accomplished in my life, especially the things I have done for myself and had no role model for. 

This summer has been really hard on me. My husband broke his hand at his bachelor party in May and it's still not healed correctly. Because of his injury, we really haven't been able to do many things that I've wanted to do. I feel like another summer has passed me by and I haven't had many adventures. I wanted to do so many activities this summer, like tubing, kayaking, hiking/camping, road trips...but it all just passed away. I feel a lot of resentment towards him for this. He was drunk and punched one of those punching bag things and missed the bag...IT was completely his fault, it was a stupid drunken moment...but he's honestly had a lot of those. I feel so angry at him for not considering how his actions affect my life. But he already feels so bad and depressed about it that I just feel like I don't want to weigh him down with my disappointment also.

But, I guess that means I can use my creativity in order to come up with things we CAN do. I usually think that I have to give 110% right away to get something done, but then get so burned out by it that I just stop. I am going to try to find one adventure/thing I can do for myself each day. It doesn't have to be big, but I have to acknowledge it and cherish it. Awareness is everything.

Anywho, I hope to catch up on the prompts because Saturdays are my days for epiphanies :)

Stuff I love.

OK So since my stop procrastinating goal is to just LIVE the LIFE I LOVE, I am going to talk about something I love today. And this is.....DECORATING! LOL so even though this may sound silly, as women I think you'll get me here.

My husband and I DO NOT have the same decorating tastes....since we can never agree, our house isn't really decorated. It doesn't really feel like a home to me...Well, I think I need to change this! Since he generally tells me he doesn't care about the decor, I feel like I should just decorate how I want. I let him kinda pick the paint colors for our bedroom and the living room (both are shades of gray) so I think I will make it a point to decorate not only the walls but also put little decor items around.

We do have a problem keeping the house clean, though, so I think that continuing to go through items and get rid of unnecessaries is going to be a key factor in me feeling like we have a beautiful home.

What brought this whole rant up is of course pinterest. I am looking at all these cute fall decor ideas, and I think to myself "I'd love to decorate, but we never have any company/we don't have kids so it doesn't really matter if I decorate.." WTF La Rae, you are so silly! I can just decorate because it makes me happy! Especially fall decor!

However, part of the reasons I don't have people over is because I don't feel proud of our home....but that's because I don't ever put time into it...so it's a vicious little cycle! If I keep it clean, I will decorate. If I decorate, I will entertain. If I spend more time with friends, I will be happier. If I am surrounded by beautiful things, I will be happier. :)

Anywho, totally random, but really needed to get this down in my journal! :)

Happy Saturday!

Procrastination prompt 1....my why.

What specific procrastination area do YOU want to focus on for the duration of this challenge? Why did you choose this area? What would it look like if you were able to overcome procrastination in this area? What are you hoping to get out of this challenge? By the end of the 15 days...where do you want to be? 

Why did you choose to participate in this challenge? Why was it important to you?

How are you going to keep yourself accountable? Are you going to comment on other people's blogs? Get an accountability buddy? Tell a friend you are participating? Journal every single day?

At the end of the challenge, what do you want to FEEL like? Do you want to feel accomplished? More focused? Like you can do ANYTHING? :)

Sorry if I really just go in tangents because sometimes I just write and don't really organize....

Well, even though it's a bit broad, I am going to focus on LIVING MY LIFE. I have been procrastinating this since before I had memories.  To be honest, my parents actually taught me this and they STILL do this. I chose this because I feel like I have been depressed my whole life, looking at other people's lives and just being so envious that they are doing really cool things. I grew up in a shitty house because my parents didn't clean or even maintain the house. It took my dad 7 years to finish renovating a bathroom...We sometimes went on family trips, like to Chicago, St Louis, etc, or even day trips to Prairie du Chein, WI. But later I found out that my dad went credit card happy and wanted to take us to a bunch of places, and then ended up filing for bankruptcy. 

My dad worked road construction, so he was always gone during the summer for a week or 2 at a time. My mom never did anything with us...we never went and did fun things, at least that I can remember. I was never in dance, gymnastics, or even swim lessons. One thing I remember was we used to breed yorkies, and one day when our yorkie had had puppies, my mom took us to subway...This was like a major event. She even let me get a foot long sub. It was like I'd died and gone to heaven. I was so pumped for this one thing that cost like $5. That was splurging to me.

So I grew up with this idea that living life was too expensive or even it was too hard to do things that you wanted to do. We never even did free things, so I guess maybe there just wasn't a desire. 

When I was in school, even in first grade, I can see myself begin my perfectionist habits. I always had to do great in school...my parents always rewarded me for good grades, but it had to be an A. I could never get a B or they would get mad. So I worked SO HARD on getting good grades, but I didn't care if I actually learned the material...I just wanted that A. On top of this, I had very low self esteem because I was very extrinsically motivated. My self worth was not my own...I judged it based on what others thought of me. Another huge problem with this was that I was a little chubby (because my parents wouldn't even buy fruits and veggies) and we were poor so I didn't really wear nice clothes. This got me bullied at school. So, down went my self esteem. But I was sooooo starved for affection/attention that I became really "boy crazy." Unfortunately, I was often ridiculed by my peers because I liked the popular kid in school, and of course he would never like me.

So, these things pretty much carried on into high school, except I was a little prettier then, and I was developing a rebel style. I was the typical Hot Topic kid...emo, I cut myself, I wore baggy pants, I contemplated suicide once (I cut my wrists but just to make a statement, not really to kill myself. I cut the wrong way), I listened to depressing music/rock (korn, linkin park, disturbed when they were still good and angsty!). I had a couple of boyfriends that I was head over heels for and then they broke my heart. Then, in the 10th grade, I started dating Zach. He was a musicion, which was totally my type of guy back then. We had a TERRIBLE, emotionally abusive 2 and a half year relationship which ended right after we graduated. During this relationship, I was sooooo starved for affection that I was so clingy to him and then decided to cheat on him numerous times because he just wasn't providing for my massive amount of emotional needs. We also lost our virginity together, and I pretty much did anything sexually for him...even after we broke up and he led me on for months. 

So, after our breakup, I became terribly depressed....like, couldn't even get out of bed for days, skipped college classes, started counseling kind of depressed. It obviously wasn't LOVE, but it was the closest thing I'd ever felt, and I just wanted to be with him.

After a string of a couple short lived rebound  relationships, I met my future husband. At the time, he was not the husband type-he was a womanizer, heavy partyer/drinker/smoker. He was the bad boy that all the girls wanted to tame. The first year of our relationship, I was fighting off other girls, especially his best girl friend, who wasn't a fan of me stealing his attention. I was constantly competing for him, and I was also constantly fighting to show him that I was worth his complete affection....after a break up, another almost break up...we moved in together and the rest is history. He has taught me how to love life, but it's still so hard for me.

Now, I've gained 15 pounds am at the heaviest I've ever been...I honestly believe this is because I have just been taught that I am not worth a good life or that a good life is too much effort/costs too much. Well, I'm calling bullshit. I am tired of my life passing me by and me just finding excuses to not go live it. My husband and I live a very comfortable life and we have so many wonderful things in our lives that many people do not financially. I'm tired of not doing things that make me happy! I'm tired of letting that little monster in my head tell me that I don't need that pretty pair of shoes, that I can't waste gas to go on a trip somewhere, that it's too much work to care about my appearance. I am tired of not feeling sexy and not making love to my sexy husband more often.  I AM WORTH IT, DAMN IT! :) Right now I am also doing the Live More Weight Less Challenge with Sarah Jenks, and I really need to make a full time commitment to myself, to love, respect, admire, and fulfill myself. I have never in my life done what I WANTED...I've mainly done what I thought I had to in order to make people like me, mostly my parents. So before anymore times slips away, I need to make this a priority.

At the end of the 15 day challenge, I just want to feel lighter in spirit and body, to (genuinely) laugh and smile more, and to feel like a million bucks!

I am going to keep myself accountable by posting pictures on facebook of me doing my activities and also by this blog. I feel really vain posting pictures sometimes, but I think I want everyone to know that I am enjoying my life. This will also be an inspiration to others!

This blog was very long, but I am really trying to get to the bottom of my issues. My marriage and my life depends on it.