The Importance of Shaving Your Legs

Hello dear friends!

I haven't really written a blog post since the end of the last challenge, so I felt like it was time for some updates! I have also had some great things happening lately, which I am excited to share.

First of all, if you've read any of my last couple of blog posts, you know my husband's hand was broken from his bachelor party. Well, we finally were able to afford an MRI and we can say that his hand is *healed* he just has a bad case of tendinitis now! He is going to physical therapy for this, but we hope it's all good soon!

Secondly, we have decided that within a year we'd like to move! YIPPEE!! Pretty much my biggest dream in life has been to leave Iowa...and we are finally taking action on it!

Third, we are *hopefully* taking our honeymoon in December to ITALY! AHHHHHHHHHH! We haven't exactly booked it yet, but the Universe always works with me on things like this, soooooo please send me some positive energy.

Anywho, the real reason I am writing this post is because I just shaved my legs. You read that right: I shaved my legs.

Why is this so important you ask?? Well, let me tell you a story....

So my husband and I fight occasionally. One night it was brought to my attention that I don't really try very hard in our relationship...I only do what is necessary and I never really go out of my way to do anything JUST for my hubby. Normally, I would just be emotional and cry because I do have years and years of pent up sadness within my heart. But instead, I decided that yes, he was right, and that I needed to change that.

So, I looked up a few things on how to be a better wife... I know this sounds ridiculous, but I did. And I actually took some steps.

During the summer, I do sleep au natural, but that just doesn't cut it in Iowa in the winter. So, I have decided that I would keep it warmer in the house and instead of wear sweats and a tank to sleep, I would buy a little sexy nightie. Now, this nightie I ended up buying isn't the MOST sexy...it's a little big, but it's sexier than sweats...My hubby was quite flabbergasted when I wore it to bed one night. When I do something different or catch him off guard, he laughs...which I never know if it's a good or bad laugh. So he laughed when he saw me and asked if it looked good or if I should take it back. He said it looked good and to keep it. My confidence and self esteem went up a little!

Then one day a couple weeks ago, I read a blog post from Sarah Jenks, a chick I absolutely love. She and her hubby just went to Paris. This blog post has inspired me so much! I've included a link to it: http://sarahjenks.com/uncategorized/pregnant-in-paris-learning-to-live-better. To maybe sound weird, but her taking this trip helped me fulfill my destiny as well. I had been doing a few of those things before I read the blog post, but many of them came about because of it.

I also am reading "Lessons from Madame Chic: 20 Stylish Secrets I learned while living in Paris" by Jennifer L Scott. I am not going to base my life on the principles of French living, but there are so many wonderful things to take away from it! These are a few things:

I have been trying to build a better wardrobe. This started a couple months ago by watching a Sarah Jenks video from her Live More, Weight Less series. She said something to the effect that when you walk into your closet, you should love everything in it and the clothes should make you feel happy. This was not happening for me for a long time. I was keeping clothes that I should keep because they were nice work clothes, or keeping them in case I lost weight again. I had a closet of clothes that didn't make me happy or that I couldn't fit into, which reminded me of my weight gain. I've slowly been getting rid of items for a while and replacing them with things I do love.

And along with a lot of other things I just mentioned, I found myself putting forth effort and achieving great results. I cooked my hubby dinner and catered to him while he was (still is) sick with a cold. These things really made him feel super loved, and they were easy! My favorite thing he says is "I feel very in love with you right now" because it's so much different than "I love you," and he's been saying that a lot the past few days!

So, along with these changes, I have further realized that I simply wasn't being the person I wanted to be for a looooong time. And who's to blame for that? Only me. So I decided to write down what I want in my life: joy, laughter, adventure, love, fulfillment. These things are now my guiding lights. I want to read more, pamper myself more, go for walks more. I worked at an arboretum and botanical garden but rarely actually go walk around...this is silly. I have started taking walks a couple times a week. So serene, a great time to center myself and talk to the Universe (I actually asked the Universe for something yesterday and we got it today!). I have also taken my dogs for 2 walks this week!

I have also started doing my make up a little differently. I have stopped wearing eyeliner because it always looks trashy by the end of the day. I have found a mascara I LOVE with really makes my eyelashes look amazing, so I have been doing a beautiful eyeshadow and just some mascara with blush. Totally low-key but really highlights my natural beauty (very French). This makes me feel SO BEAUTIFUL. I have posting a few more selfies lately because I feel so darn beautiful and I feel proud! Before, I would never want people to think I'm vain or whatever, but now I don't care-I want to show that I not only look gorgeous, but feel gorgeous.

Another thing that is totally random that has added to my personal value is eating on nice plates and drinking from nice cups. This is apparently something French people do: always use the special occasion items so life always feels like a special occasion.You know, I just graduated college about a year and a half ago and I was still holding onto some of my plastic plates and cups....I found myself using them more because I didn't want to, I don't know, mess up the glass cups and nice places? What my mind was really telling me was that I wasn't worth using the nice stuff. So I got rid of (most of) them! My hubby bought us pretty square plates recently, and they are sooo fun. I LOVE eating from them! I have also been drinking from my glass cups and feel happier. WEIRD RIGHT? We also want to buy new glasses and I just found some super pretty ones at Pier 1 Imports. We don't need many, so why not splurge and buy something that I will love?? (I even have a $10 off coupon! :p)

Last night, I also posted a photo of myself in February 2012, a time where I was at my lowest adult weight. With all the other positive changes in my life, I feel so empowered, so I decided that it is time to take my weight seriously again. I am certainly not going to go to the gym 6 days a week, but I am going to incorporate exercise in my everyday life (which is how French women stay so fit!) and maybe occasionally actually work out (I did 15 minutes of Jillian Michaels last night...whoo!)

And finally, to my legs. I did catch the cold my hubby has had for 2 weeks, but I have really been nuking it with tea, grapefruit (more vitamin C than oranges!), and resting. I went to work, but I'm so thankful to have a great job and boss who encouraged me to take a half day to rest. So I did. I've taken 2 baths today, read, and relaxed. My second bath was reaching it's end and I thought maybe I should shave my legs. At first, I thought to myself, well Randall doesn't want to have sex tonight, so it doesn't matter. But then, I changed my mind because I wanted to feel beautiful FOR MYSELF. And who knows, maybe he'll change his mind? (he's actually sleeping on the couch right now...wore out from his first day back to work!) But then again, all the other times I didn't shave my legs led me to NOT WANT to have sex with my husband the next day...Self sabotaging myself without even knowing it! My hubby and I both deserve to have rockin' sex!

So there you have it...I feel my life changing in the way I've always wanted it to! I feel soooo happy and I know that good things are going to come my way.

Props if you read the whole thing!

Letting go of doing everything for everyone (aka my hubby)

Do people consider you their "go-to" person when they need help? Do they know they can always count on you to be there..regardless of how short of notice they give you? How often do you say yes to helping people when you really don't want to? How often do you drop what you are doing in order to help someone else when you are busy working on your own goals? How are your current actions teaching people how to treat you? Do you ever feel drained after helping certain people? What do you think that feeling is trying to tell you? Do you ever feel like you are super busy, but accomplishing nothing of value? How does that make you feel? Which activities are you participating in that could be causing those feelings? Is there any way you could eliminate at least some of those feelings? How? Do you think you could be using other people's agendas to avoid working on a goal you want to accomplish but could possibly "fail" at? Do you ever feel like if you don't do it, no one will? How true is it that if you don't do it...no one will? Have you ever gotten REALLY clear on WHY you want to accomplish the goal you are focusing on? What would it look like if you did get clear?


I am skipping posts 3 and 4 because I feel like I've harped on those concepts for ever. This prompt is definitely something that I need to address asap. 

I don't necessarily have a lot of people ask me for help anymore, and I have eliminated a lot in my life that I used to do because I felt obligated to do so.. However, I am going to write mainly about my husband. I have heard a bit of advice once that you should never talk bad about your husband to anyone, but to be clear, I am not talking bad about him in this post! I simply need to get to the bottom of this issue we have been having for a couple of years now.

Ok, so the main jist of our issue is that he is the breadwinner in the family-he owns his own business, which is tree trimming. This is a very specialized trade and he makes a LOT of money...I make a measley $25k/year, so I can't always pay for things, especially now since I am starting my own photography company. Before this, I was a poor college student, which was way worse, and he had to pay for way more. However, to make up for the fact that I can't pay for as many things as him or buy certain expensive items, he expects me to do most of the house work.....which makes sense, except I have a full time job on top of starting a business, and often feel so overwhelmed by owning an old house on an acreage.

Pretty much, I feel like a slave a lot of the time. I do so much around the house and often feel so sick of doing shit. This is one of the main reasons why I don't do things for myself...because I often do not have time or energy to do them. On top of that, if you read my last post, you know my husband's hand is messed up (going on 6 months) and the other part of the time I am excited to do something, he either can't do it because his hand hurts or because he's so tired from work (very physical job).

Well, the obvious solution would be to just go do things by myself. Well, but then that takes away time from being with him. He works out of town Monday through Friday and comes home on the weekend. I currently work Tues-Sat, so that means we have only a few evenings and one full day together.

It's very frustrating. 

But anywho, I really need to get my act together and create a streamlined system to getting my housework done, have time for myself, and also to create quality moments with my husband.

I just opened an email from Sarah Jenks, a life coach I have really grown to love, and she said "Something that I really pride myself on is having a beautiful and fun life.  And to be honest, with my responsibilities of running my business and Jonathan’s crazy schedule as a surgery resident, it doesn’t just happen naturally."

As I mentioned in my previous post, life is about creating yourself. It's about finding what you love and creating a life you love. Hello, synchronicity! I've been thinking about this for about a week now, and I think the Universe is telling me something! I have wasted my life wishing it was like someone else's. It's time to love myself and the life I have. I have wasted my life thinking that if something was meant to be, it will just happen...this is not always true, you have to make your life what you want! People can be happy, they just have to find the right path and laugh and love along the way.

Letting go of the struggle.

How long have you struggled to accomplish the goal you've chosen to focus on? What have your plans looked like in the past? Have you been excited or totally drained while you were executing your plans? What would it look like if you took steps that made you feel like you were building momentum instead of hardly chipping away at your goal? How could you change the way you LOOK at your goal so it felt more manageable? Could you focus on what you are going to eat and what you are going to do for exercise today instead of for the next month? Could you focus on how you are going to lose your next five pounds instead of losing 100? Could you focus on one drawer in your office as opposed to the whole entire office? Could you focus on one page of your book as opposed to a chapter? What are some ways you could let go of those feelings of struggle today?

 

I have been struggling with *living my life for me* for all of my memory. I talked about this a lot in my last blog. To be honest, I've been really terrible about working towards my goal during this challenge. :( I am terrified of this task of finding myself...I feel like I've been trying to find myself for my whole life. I know as cliche as it sounds, I really think life is about creating yourself. I wasn't raised Pagan, but I am. I wasn't raised a vegetarian, but I chose that life path. I was raised in an urban setting, but chose to move to the middle of nowhere.  I was raised in a messy house, but choose to *attempt* to keep a clean house. I was raised by pack rats but choose to continually get rid of unnecessary items. I wasn't raised a traveler, I became a traveler.  I forget to give myself credit for all the things I've already accomplished in my life, especially the things I have done for myself and had no role model for. 

This summer has been really hard on me. My husband broke his hand at his bachelor party in May and it's still not healed correctly. Because of his injury, we really haven't been able to do many things that I've wanted to do. I feel like another summer has passed me by and I haven't had many adventures. I wanted to do so many activities this summer, like tubing, kayaking, hiking/camping, road trips...but it all just passed away. I feel a lot of resentment towards him for this. He was drunk and punched one of those punching bag things and missed the bag...IT was completely his fault, it was a stupid drunken moment...but he's honestly had a lot of those. I feel so angry at him for not considering how his actions affect my life. But he already feels so bad and depressed about it that I just feel like I don't want to weigh him down with my disappointment also.

But, I guess that means I can use my creativity in order to come up with things we CAN do. I usually think that I have to give 110% right away to get something done, but then get so burned out by it that I just stop. I am going to try to find one adventure/thing I can do for myself each day. It doesn't have to be big, but I have to acknowledge it and cherish it. Awareness is everything.

Anywho, I hope to catch up on the prompts because Saturdays are my days for epiphanies :)

Stuff I love.

OK So since my stop procrastinating goal is to just LIVE the LIFE I LOVE, I am going to talk about something I love today. And this is.....DECORATING! LOL so even though this may sound silly, as women I think you'll get me here.

My husband and I DO NOT have the same decorating tastes....since we can never agree, our house isn't really decorated. It doesn't really feel like a home to me...Well, I think I need to change this! Since he generally tells me he doesn't care about the decor, I feel like I should just decorate how I want. I let him kinda pick the paint colors for our bedroom and the living room (both are shades of gray) so I think I will make it a point to decorate not only the walls but also put little decor items around.

We do have a problem keeping the house clean, though, so I think that continuing to go through items and get rid of unnecessaries is going to be a key factor in me feeling like we have a beautiful home.

What brought this whole rant up is of course pinterest. I am looking at all these cute fall decor ideas, and I think to myself "I'd love to decorate, but we never have any company/we don't have kids so it doesn't really matter if I decorate.." WTF La Rae, you are so silly! I can just decorate because it makes me happy! Especially fall decor!

However, part of the reasons I don't have people over is because I don't feel proud of our home....but that's because I don't ever put time into it...so it's a vicious little cycle! If I keep it clean, I will decorate. If I decorate, I will entertain. If I spend more time with friends, I will be happier. If I am surrounded by beautiful things, I will be happier. :)

Anywho, totally random, but really needed to get this down in my journal! :)

Happy Saturday!

Procrastination prompt 1....my why.

What specific procrastination area do YOU want to focus on for the duration of this challenge? Why did you choose this area? What would it look like if you were able to overcome procrastination in this area? What are you hoping to get out of this challenge? By the end of the 15 days...where do you want to be? 

Why did you choose to participate in this challenge? Why was it important to you?

How are you going to keep yourself accountable? Are you going to comment on other people's blogs? Get an accountability buddy? Tell a friend you are participating? Journal every single day?

At the end of the challenge, what do you want to FEEL like? Do you want to feel accomplished? More focused? Like you can do ANYTHING? :)

Sorry if I really just go in tangents because sometimes I just write and don't really organize....

Well, even though it's a bit broad, I am going to focus on LIVING MY LIFE. I have been procrastinating this since before I had memories.  To be honest, my parents actually taught me this and they STILL do this. I chose this because I feel like I have been depressed my whole life, looking at other people's lives and just being so envious that they are doing really cool things. I grew up in a shitty house because my parents didn't clean or even maintain the house. It took my dad 7 years to finish renovating a bathroom...We sometimes went on family trips, like to Chicago, St Louis, etc, or even day trips to Prairie du Chein, WI. But later I found out that my dad went credit card happy and wanted to take us to a bunch of places, and then ended up filing for bankruptcy. 

My dad worked road construction, so he was always gone during the summer for a week or 2 at a time. My mom never did anything with us...we never went and did fun things, at least that I can remember. I was never in dance, gymnastics, or even swim lessons. One thing I remember was we used to breed yorkies, and one day when our yorkie had had puppies, my mom took us to subway...This was like a major event. She even let me get a foot long sub. It was like I'd died and gone to heaven. I was so pumped for this one thing that cost like $5. That was splurging to me.

So I grew up with this idea that living life was too expensive or even it was too hard to do things that you wanted to do. We never even did free things, so I guess maybe there just wasn't a desire. 

When I was in school, even in first grade, I can see myself begin my perfectionist habits. I always had to do great in school...my parents always rewarded me for good grades, but it had to be an A. I could never get a B or they would get mad. So I worked SO HARD on getting good grades, but I didn't care if I actually learned the material...I just wanted that A. On top of this, I had very low self esteem because I was very extrinsically motivated. My self worth was not my own...I judged it based on what others thought of me. Another huge problem with this was that I was a little chubby (because my parents wouldn't even buy fruits and veggies) and we were poor so I didn't really wear nice clothes. This got me bullied at school. So, down went my self esteem. But I was sooooo starved for affection/attention that I became really "boy crazy." Unfortunately, I was often ridiculed by my peers because I liked the popular kid in school, and of course he would never like me.

So, these things pretty much carried on into high school, except I was a little prettier then, and I was developing a rebel style. I was the typical Hot Topic kid...emo, I cut myself, I wore baggy pants, I contemplated suicide once (I cut my wrists but just to make a statement, not really to kill myself. I cut the wrong way), I listened to depressing music/rock (korn, linkin park, disturbed when they were still good and angsty!). I had a couple of boyfriends that I was head over heels for and then they broke my heart. Then, in the 10th grade, I started dating Zach. He was a musicion, which was totally my type of guy back then. We had a TERRIBLE, emotionally abusive 2 and a half year relationship which ended right after we graduated. During this relationship, I was sooooo starved for affection that I was so clingy to him and then decided to cheat on him numerous times because he just wasn't providing for my massive amount of emotional needs. We also lost our virginity together, and I pretty much did anything sexually for him...even after we broke up and he led me on for months. 

So, after our breakup, I became terribly depressed....like, couldn't even get out of bed for days, skipped college classes, started counseling kind of depressed. It obviously wasn't LOVE, but it was the closest thing I'd ever felt, and I just wanted to be with him.

After a string of a couple short lived rebound  relationships, I met my future husband. At the time, he was not the husband type-he was a womanizer, heavy partyer/drinker/smoker. He was the bad boy that all the girls wanted to tame. The first year of our relationship, I was fighting off other girls, especially his best girl friend, who wasn't a fan of me stealing his attention. I was constantly competing for him, and I was also constantly fighting to show him that I was worth his complete affection....after a break up, another almost break up...we moved in together and the rest is history. He has taught me how to love life, but it's still so hard for me.

Now, I've gained 15 pounds am at the heaviest I've ever been...I honestly believe this is because I have just been taught that I am not worth a good life or that a good life is too much effort/costs too much. Well, I'm calling bullshit. I am tired of my life passing me by and me just finding excuses to not go live it. My husband and I live a very comfortable life and we have so many wonderful things in our lives that many people do not financially. I'm tired of not doing things that make me happy! I'm tired of letting that little monster in my head tell me that I don't need that pretty pair of shoes, that I can't waste gas to go on a trip somewhere, that it's too much work to care about my appearance. I am tired of not feeling sexy and not making love to my sexy husband more often.  I AM WORTH IT, DAMN IT! :) Right now I am also doing the Live More Weight Less Challenge with Sarah Jenks, and I really need to make a full time commitment to myself, to love, respect, admire, and fulfill myself. I have never in my life done what I WANTED...I've mainly done what I thought I had to in order to make people like me, mostly my parents. So before anymore times slips away, I need to make this a priority.

At the end of the 15 day challenge, I just want to feel lighter in spirit and body, to (genuinely) laugh and smile more, and to feel like a million bucks!

I am going to keep myself accountable by posting pictures on facebook of me doing my activities and also by this blog. I feel really vain posting pictures sometimes, but I think I want everyone to know that I am enjoying my life. This will also be an inspiration to others!

This blog was very long, but I am really trying to get to the bottom of my issues. My marriage and my life depends on it. 

End of challenge review

Ok, so I didn't get as much done as I had hoped during the challenge, but that's also because I am also really trying to work on creating some sort of balance in my life. Here is a general before and after of the room.

Since the beginning of the challenge, I have gotten rid of 4 boxes of stuff, taken 4 laundry baskets of items to a consignment shop/gave the items away to friends, gotten a pile of books ready to get rid of, donated 3 old blankets to the humane society, and started thinking about how I want to have the room set up.

I still have a lot of work to do on the room but I know I have gotten so much accomplished already! Snaps to me! 

Today I am going to try to have as much of a "me day" as possible since I haven't done this for a while. I also have a very busy week ahead of me at work and also with my new photography business, so I really need to take some time just to take care of me. I will get back at it sometime this week!

Special thanks to my husband for tidying the house last night! I feel sooooooooooooo happy that I can spend today doing things for me! :)

New motto

So, I was lucky enough to come across a really great post from Gabby Bernstein this morning that said:

"Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light."

This, my friends, is going to be my new motto. Why am I always depressed when I have such a beautiful life, the most amazing husband in the world, and all the things I need? I should be brimming with thankfulness. I know we're not supposed to be shoulding, but I think this is a positive should. I know exactly what is holding me back from happiness and it's comparison. I am CONSTANTLY comparing myself to other people and their lives. The worst thing is, I compare myself to women who are part of my husband's past, 2 girls in particular. My husband and I have had conversations about the fact that I am comparing myself to these girls, and obviously he thinks (well, I also think) it's absurd to be jealous of them. But I am always facebook creeping on these girls and part of me wants something they have: they have amazing families, they take care of themselves and pamper themselves, have great style, are always so pretty, etc.I have gained 20 pounds, making me the heaviest I have ever been. This has been so bad on my self esteem, but I just seem so overwhelmed by the thought of losing the weight. Before my wedding, I had a goal to weight like 140 for my wedding. I was 161 at the time. I spent 4 months working my ass off in the gym and nothing was happening...I made working out my whole life and there was no change. So I just quit caring and gained 10 pounds before my wedding. I am currently at 176 and I constantly feel like a whale. These 2 girls I constantly feel jealous of have both lost weight and look amazing, but I just feel so hopeless.

I want to stop feeling sorry for myself and just do it already, but I am my own worst enemy. But it has to stop. My depression is hugely affecting my marriage and I certainly do NOT want my marriage to end...ever. So, I am in dire need of a life makeover. I want to live light, not only in possessions but in emotion. I want to spread the light through living light and I want to light the way for others...but first, I have to change myself.

I CAN DO THIS. I CAN DO THIS. I CAN DO THIS.

Just a little bit

So, I am going to write a very quick blog post tonight!

I haven't done a whole lot in my room. I recently went through my books and created a stack that I want to take to a place that buys books...However, the book place is only open while I'm at work...

Part of my problem with getting rid of clutter in this room is that it requires so much ACTION. Most of it is not just a toss kind of deal...everything section has a huge task that needs to be done...

Tonight I've been working a lot on my photography business and then doing general cleaning...I wanted to get a part of my room done, so I decided I would print pictures to put in my frames that have been sitting on my desk. However,that requires me editing some photos the photographer deemed uworthy (but I LOVE!) and thus turns into a fiasco.

I feel like this is an excuse, but I know that these things do take time...I've been accumulating shit in this room for a year and it's not going to take only 15 days to go through and take action on everything. I have decided to continue the Vitality Challenge De-clutter edition on my own once the official challenge ends. I have to be easy on myself since I am attempting to build a habit.

Things that need to be done in my room:

1) I need to create storage for all of my photography stuff. This includes props, my camera and equipment, etc.
2) Clean out my closet/shelf above closet and come up with a better storage system!
3) Create a painting area.
4) Hang inspirational photos.
5) Get all irrelevant items out: ie-home improvement supplies.
6) Set up a new altar/meditation area.

I tried to break them down into manageable tasks so that I am less overwhelmed by the task and can perhaps finish 1 thing per night I work on it. I don't want to work on my room every night so that I can hang out with people and not be a hermit.

Ok, another thing I'd like to ask everyone about is.....SHOULD I KEEP OR SELL MY WEDDING DRESS??? Before the wedding, I was all like "OMG I can NEVER sell my wedding dress! I want to display it in a display box" yada yada. But now, I'm like oh god, where am I going to put this?!?! Right now, it's hanging off of my dresser......CLUTTER.

We are also planning on going to Italy to do a vow renewal in a couple years and I get a whole new dress for that...so I can't very well justify keeping this one if I get a whole new one!! Ya know what I mean?!

Anywho...that's all my ramblings for now... :)

Tears and realizations

Ok, so last night my husband and I had a fight. While this is becoming less common lately, the fights are more intense because a) they are the same fights over and over because I'm just not changing and b) because he's getting really tired of me not changing.

I was just reading Sarah Jenks newest blog post on her site and just started bawling over a realization. Sarah Jenks tells a story about being at an antique fair and her and her mother find items they love but those items are too expensive, so they don't buy them. That night at dinner, they find that the father snuck away and bought the items for his wife and daughter. She says "I was particularly touched by my Dad’s thoughtfulness because I was at a time in my life when I didn’t fully understand the concept of “doing things just because it makes you or someone else happy”."

I truly have the most amazing husband in the world because his entire life is based on making me happy. Yet I return the favor by never knowing what makes me happy or just being unhappy. We have a wonderful life. We own an acreage in the quiet countryside, we have more than enough money to get by, we have each other. But somehow, I am stuck on the hamster wheel of happiness. I am always searching for more. Some days, I think that I just can't be happy here (in good ole Iowa) because my soul longs for something different...the people here aren't accepting, they are ignorant, I want to live in a forest, etc. Why can't I just be happy with all the wonderful things I have? I have a husband who would give me the moon and for some reason, I still end up treating him like shit.

I really have to change but I honestly have no idea how.

Playing is important work.

Ok so it's been a few days since my last post and also since my last time working on my room. My husband works out of town and came home a night early, so I've been having a lot of fun with him.

First of all, I had to work late on Thursday night as I was presenting an idea to the Board of Directors at the nonprofit I work for. Then my hubby called and said that I should wait in town because he wanted to take me on a date. He actually asked if he could take me on a date, which was very cute and he got some brownie points for that. We went and at a Tex-Mex fast food place we'd never eaten at, even though I used to live right across the street. Then we went to see R.I.P.D, which had a terrible story line but was extremely funny.

Friday we had to go out of town to a doctor's appointment, but after that had so much fun. We went out to eat at this cute little place called Clinton Street Social Club. It's a restaurant/bar that is fashioned after a 1930s speakeasy and was BEAUTIFUL. It had exposed brick and beams, vintage industrial lighting, and they were playing 30s music. I was in BLISS.

Then, we went to a place called Planet X Fun Center, which is like Chuck E Cheese but way better. There's all the arcade games, but then they also have goofy golf, bumper cars, and laser tag. We grabbed a beer and did goofy golfing and games, then bumper cars, then laser tag. I'd never done laser tag before and it was so FUN! Then we topped it off with locally made ice cream.

I don't normally allow myself to have fun. I really don't even know HOW to have fun. I have been a perfectionist for so long that I have told myself it's not productive to have fun. My husband is TOTALLY a fun-haver, so our relationship has been interesting in this aspect. Slowly but surely, he has been helping me learn how to enjoy life and live it one moment at a time.

SO even though I haven't gotten a lot done in my house, my soul feels so blissful and light.

Today, I did some standard issue house work and also got rid of 2 boxes out of my room. I have been holding on to old college papers and books that serve me no purpose-it will all be recycled tomorrow!

OH as for my victory the other night. I mentioned in my last blog that I was hesitant about getting rid of a few items at Stuff (consignment store, if you don't know what that is) because I was afraid I wouldn't get enough money from it there. But then I remembered that the Universe would reward me for my efforts. Well, I gathered up 2 laundry baskets of things and then gave away a bunch of items to my friends first. I took the rest to Stuff and just did a quick look around and then found the CUTEST SWEATER! It was priced at 7.99, it was a deep gray with white stripes cardi from Forever 21. I was like THANK YOU UNIVERSE! because I rarely find clothes I like there. So I took it to the register and figured, I'll see if I have any money in my Stuff account. AND I DID...$11! (not much, but still...). Then she even gave it to me for cheaper than the ticket price! I was so happy. I LOVE when the Universe rewards me quickly because I know it's trying to say, ok La Rae, come on, I'm here and I'm with you on this 100%!

So anyways, I will post pictures on my next blog post. :)

Goodnight!

Vitality Challenge Day 2 successes

OK, so again today I only tackled one area, especially since I'm going to see some friends and don't have a lot of time. I decided that today I would simply put all the clothes away that were laying around in my room. 

Here is the pile of clothes that needed to be taken care of...Below it is after! yay me!

Then I decided to get rid of clothes in my closet and have gathered lots of item to take to stuff tomorrow.

I had some apprehensions taking certain things to Stuff, but then I decided that because I had apprehensions, I totally just had to get rid of it. I was trying to hold onto things for no reason. My husband HATES these tribal themed pillows and rug. I loved it at first, now I'm over them. I was worried I wouldn't get enough money back for them, which was my original reason for trying not to get rid of them, but then I decided that the Universe would certainly reward my efforts and I shouldn't worry.

So now I get to worry about folding and putting away all these clothes when I get home from my friends. I figure it will be more fun after a bottle of wine, right?

Hope everyone else's day was productive!

Even a little progress is still progress :)

So even though my husband left me a few important things for me to do, I still took time to do some cleaning! Since I feel really overwhelmed, I decided to just start with one portion of the room-I chose to focus on the top of my dresser. This was COVERED in clothes I didn't feel like putting away, random shit, clothes tags (does anyone else have issues throwing these away??), and receipts. Here is the before-

                                                                 And here is the after!!

Sometimes when I think I have to get a project done all at once, I am paralyzed with overwhelm. In order to show myself I can do things a little at a time, I decided to stop with this small success. I am attempting to create a HABIT of not having clutter, and if I get stressed over the process, the habit will never form.

So, here are pictures of the rest of the room that I will continue to tackle over the next 14 days:

Don't mind my bra.

Um wow. This is embarrassing! ;)

My library/jewelry shelf....a mess

My "desk" over run with shit

So there you have it folks! You are now completely in the know about my dirty little secret in my room.

Good job to everyone today!

Vitality Challenge post #1

This is a photo of the room that is my "meditation room." Not very calming, is it?! When we bought the house, I had decided that I wasn't going to have an office, I was going to have a "self space." This space would serve all my spiritual needs. It would be a room I could paint in, relax in, read, meditate, do magickal work, etc. 

We bought our house a little under a year ago, and this is what is still looks like-a room to dump all the crap we don't want to deal with yet!

My ultimate goal for this challenge is to finally get this room (and my emotions) into order. Throughout this first year, I have felt that there are other things more important to get done than to finish my room. I've painting each room at least twice and we've redecorated countless times, but I have not really touched this room. (Same with my emotions.)

Last week, I did get rid of quite a few items that were sitting in this room, but I am bound and determined to get it all in order!!!

What do I want?

I want to include these things in my life:

regular yoga practice
regular meditation
read more
better meal choices, cutting down cheese intake
working on building my free lance grant writing agency
planning my garden/working in it once it's planted
building my friendships/making time for it
lots of music and dancing
time for creativity in any form
playing, lots of playing, especially outside

in order to do these things and have a beautiful life I know I deserve, I need to:
stop worrying about what other people have and what other people think
meditate and do yoga!
tell myself I'm beautiful and amazing!
gradually spend less time on facebook and doing things that don't serve me.
learn to relax

This is step one to creating the joy and happiness my life deserves!

Insanity

So, what do I want?

To be honest, I just don't know. I think that I want something, but then I get stuck in my old ways and habits. I think I'm just scared or anxious. I don't really know. I feel like I don't know anything these days. I feel like I'm so unsure of everything in my life, right down to how I want to decorate my house or the clothes I want to wear. I feel like I am having a serious identity crisis.

I really do believe that I know what I want and who I want to be, I just don't see how I can be those things in my current environment. Maybe it's just the winter playing tricks on me. Maybe it's a sunshine deficiency. Maybe I'm just fucking crazy.

I have this idea in my mind of who I should be and how my life should be by now, but nothing seems to be going that way. I don't have a job that I love yet. I don't even have a job that makes me any real amount of money. I can't really contribute to our life together. I can't pay for anything other than just helping with bills. That is so frustrating. I believed that I would have a job by now. I believed that I would be out of debt by now. I believed I would have a new car and be able to help renovate the house. I feel like I'm stuck and I'm so overwhelmed by it. I am so anxious all the time. I can't relax, I can't feel joy. It's horrible.

I really do know the steps that need to be taken in order to get my life on track and feel happiness, but I just don't do them. Is this insanity? Or am I just so comfortable being depressed?

I just really need to get back into blogging so that my mind isn't always so full of this negativity. I need to get it out of my body. So this is my negative post. It's out. I just sighed a sigh of relief. Maybe now I can do something positive and productive with my day =)

My 24th year.

Tomorrow marks the beginning of my 24th year on the Earth in this body and in this life. I would really like to take some time to truly come up with perhaps 5 profound goals that I'd like to accomplish during this year of my life. I know that with these goals will come immense work and self-discovery.

I do know my first few goals: 1. Live with Courage (Let go of, or live despite, fear). and 2. Let go of jealousy (learn to count my own blessings and love myself.)

These are probably the biggest ones I have to acomplish as they are so very deep seated and they have been not only plaguing me my entire life, but they were essentially taught to me as a child.

Anywho, I just wanted to write these few thoughts down before I forgot them.

Until next time.