Procrastination prompt 1....my why.

What specific procrastination area do YOU want to focus on for the duration of this challenge? Why did you choose this area? What would it look like if you were able to overcome procrastination in this area? What are you hoping to get out of this challenge? By the end of the 15 days...where do you want to be? 

Why did you choose to participate in this challenge? Why was it important to you?

How are you going to keep yourself accountable? Are you going to comment on other people's blogs? Get an accountability buddy? Tell a friend you are participating? Journal every single day?

At the end of the challenge, what do you want to FEEL like? Do you want to feel accomplished? More focused? Like you can do ANYTHING? :)

Sorry if I really just go in tangents because sometimes I just write and don't really organize....

Well, even though it's a bit broad, I am going to focus on LIVING MY LIFE. I have been procrastinating this since before I had memories.  To be honest, my parents actually taught me this and they STILL do this. I chose this because I feel like I have been depressed my whole life, looking at other people's lives and just being so envious that they are doing really cool things. I grew up in a shitty house because my parents didn't clean or even maintain the house. It took my dad 7 years to finish renovating a bathroom...We sometimes went on family trips, like to Chicago, St Louis, etc, or even day trips to Prairie du Chein, WI. But later I found out that my dad went credit card happy and wanted to take us to a bunch of places, and then ended up filing for bankruptcy. 

My dad worked road construction, so he was always gone during the summer for a week or 2 at a time. My mom never did anything with us...we never went and did fun things, at least that I can remember. I was never in dance, gymnastics, or even swim lessons. One thing I remember was we used to breed yorkies, and one day when our yorkie had had puppies, my mom took us to subway...This was like a major event. She even let me get a foot long sub. It was like I'd died and gone to heaven. I was so pumped for this one thing that cost like $5. That was splurging to me.

So I grew up with this idea that living life was too expensive or even it was too hard to do things that you wanted to do. We never even did free things, so I guess maybe there just wasn't a desire. 

When I was in school, even in first grade, I can see myself begin my perfectionist habits. I always had to do great in school...my parents always rewarded me for good grades, but it had to be an A. I could never get a B or they would get mad. So I worked SO HARD on getting good grades, but I didn't care if I actually learned the material...I just wanted that A. On top of this, I had very low self esteem because I was very extrinsically motivated. My self worth was not my own...I judged it based on what others thought of me. Another huge problem with this was that I was a little chubby (because my parents wouldn't even buy fruits and veggies) and we were poor so I didn't really wear nice clothes. This got me bullied at school. So, down went my self esteem. But I was sooooo starved for affection/attention that I became really "boy crazy." Unfortunately, I was often ridiculed by my peers because I liked the popular kid in school, and of course he would never like me.

So, these things pretty much carried on into high school, except I was a little prettier then, and I was developing a rebel style. I was the typical Hot Topic kid...emo, I cut myself, I wore baggy pants, I contemplated suicide once (I cut my wrists but just to make a statement, not really to kill myself. I cut the wrong way), I listened to depressing music/rock (korn, linkin park, disturbed when they were still good and angsty!). I had a couple of boyfriends that I was head over heels for and then they broke my heart. Then, in the 10th grade, I started dating Zach. He was a musicion, which was totally my type of guy back then. We had a TERRIBLE, emotionally abusive 2 and a half year relationship which ended right after we graduated. During this relationship, I was sooooo starved for affection that I was so clingy to him and then decided to cheat on him numerous times because he just wasn't providing for my massive amount of emotional needs. We also lost our virginity together, and I pretty much did anything sexually for him...even after we broke up and he led me on for months. 

So, after our breakup, I became terribly depressed....like, couldn't even get out of bed for days, skipped college classes, started counseling kind of depressed. It obviously wasn't LOVE, but it was the closest thing I'd ever felt, and I just wanted to be with him.

After a string of a couple short lived rebound  relationships, I met my future husband. At the time, he was not the husband type-he was a womanizer, heavy partyer/drinker/smoker. He was the bad boy that all the girls wanted to tame. The first year of our relationship, I was fighting off other girls, especially his best girl friend, who wasn't a fan of me stealing his attention. I was constantly competing for him, and I was also constantly fighting to show him that I was worth his complete affection....after a break up, another almost break up...we moved in together and the rest is history. He has taught me how to love life, but it's still so hard for me.

Now, I've gained 15 pounds am at the heaviest I've ever been...I honestly believe this is because I have just been taught that I am not worth a good life or that a good life is too much effort/costs too much. Well, I'm calling bullshit. I am tired of my life passing me by and me just finding excuses to not go live it. My husband and I live a very comfortable life and we have so many wonderful things in our lives that many people do not financially. I'm tired of not doing things that make me happy! I'm tired of letting that little monster in my head tell me that I don't need that pretty pair of shoes, that I can't waste gas to go on a trip somewhere, that it's too much work to care about my appearance. I am tired of not feeling sexy and not making love to my sexy husband more often.  I AM WORTH IT, DAMN IT! :) Right now I am also doing the Live More Weight Less Challenge with Sarah Jenks, and I really need to make a full time commitment to myself, to love, respect, admire, and fulfill myself. I have never in my life done what I WANTED...I've mainly done what I thought I had to in order to make people like me, mostly my parents. So before anymore times slips away, I need to make this a priority.

At the end of the 15 day challenge, I just want to feel lighter in spirit and body, to (genuinely) laugh and smile more, and to feel like a million bucks!

I am going to keep myself accountable by posting pictures on facebook of me doing my activities and also by this blog. I feel really vain posting pictures sometimes, but I think I want everyone to know that I am enjoying my life. This will also be an inspiration to others!

This blog was very long, but I am really trying to get to the bottom of my issues. My marriage and my life depends on it.